The digital age sure has left a lot of people very lonely and in need of physical contact. Which is actually pretty sad and kind of a problem. For some lonely hearts, the solution to this is cuddle sessions, wherein a "patient" goes to a professional "cuddlist" to be snuggled. Uh-huh. But somehow this patient in Phoenix wound up with a nipple in her mouth. Not just a brushing of the mammary with her lips. Not just a grazing of boob to nose. No, no. The patient had the nipple in her mouth for five minutes. If you think there's more to this story than meets the bewb, yes.

Let's get to it:

A Phoenix woman says it happened to her in May when she visited an $80-a-session cuddle therapist and the session turned sexual. She wound up with the cuddler's nipple in her mouth for five minutes.

Pause. "It happened to her" and "nipple in her mouth for five minutes" isn't working for me and probably not for you. Try pulling this to explain anything. "I dunno, it just happened so fast. There I was, minding my own business, and then wham. There's a boob in my mouth."

"Whoa, OMG. What did you do?"

"I kept it in my mouth for five minutes. Then I called the police, because assault!"

That is actually what happened. This lady called the Po-Po who told her "nothing illegal had happened." Then the dispatcher quickly hung up and told everyone else about the call. There were boobed-shaped cupcakes handed out that day.

Since the police were too busy thinking up boob-shaped baked goods, the accidental tit-sucker called the cuddle hotline. I'm not making that up. I am making up the boob-shaped baked goods, but you tell me there weren't boob jokes in that department all the live long day.

She called a national group that certifies cuddlers. It promptly decertified the cuddler, Susanne Woodward, for breaking its code of conduct.

You really need to read the full article to understand the gravity of the situation of one one woman's dirty pillow assaulting another woman's lips. I suggest you keep scrolling because the explanation of what happened is still pretty freaking weird. But this is a story about two topless women who's ta-tas squished together in efforts to close the loneliness gap. Of course you're going to read more.

No, there wasn't spontaneous titty deployment. The patient admitted to the cuddler that she'd once confided in a therapist she'd always wanted to be held by a naked lady. I'm no expert on LGBTQAAIP (silent X), but pretty sure if you're having fantasies of being held by a woman without her knickers, corset, and/or pantaloons, you may be of the lesbian variety. As a working theory.

Rather than passing on this nugget of duh, the cuddlist (that will never not be a funny word) said sure, she could hold the woman while she was naked. Absotitly. But you know bare in mind naked cuddles was outside her boundaries as a clothed cuddlist, so shhhhh.

"She then told me to suck her nipple," the woman wrote, and the therapist said, "I am channeling nurturing energy to you through my breast."

Okay. Here's the part where I call bull-tit. If someone tells you to suck on their nipple, and you don't want to suck on a nipple, and there's no threat of violence, no threat of rape, no threat of career jeopardy, there's one very clear option. Don't suckle the breast.

Yet Patient Knocker Nuzzler latched on like a starving infant and held the plump mammary in her mouth for one, two, three, four, five minutes.

According to Woodward, the boob-giver, the reason she suggested Lady Suckstit enjoy her nipple was because in one cuddle session, the woman initiated "contact with Woodward's breast and the conduct was consensual."

Ladies and people who like ladies, we have ourselves a pair of lady lovers. Change my mind.

Afterward, she said the woman smiled, said she was feeling "so good" and thanked Woodward. She scheduled another cuddle session for the next week.

But now, after holding a bewb in her mouth for one, two, three, four, five minutes, Lady Breast Tester feels she's been violated.

Yeah, I don't get it either. But we're talking about a lady who pays 80 smackers a session to be held by another lady, preferably naked. This isn't someone I'd place on the "normal" side of the sanity spectrum. We've got some issues here that can't be cured with just one boob to the mouth for time.

But if I'm a lawyer, and I've read this accounting, I'm not sure I'd say this is legal complaint material. What with the clear gay going on behind closed doors. Wouldn't it be a little easier to just come out of the closet? I'm just asking. It's 2019. Few people actually care if you're a lesbian who likes to suck on boobs. We just don't want you to demand we bake you a boob cake. Though I'd bet most people would be willing to bake you a boob cake. Most cakes come out looking like boobs anyway.

To all ladies and gentlemen out there seeking the reassuring touch of other people: if you don't want a boob in your mouth, don't put a boob in your mouth.

This PSA brought to you by common sense.

Usually I drop in related stories to what you just read. But I'm coming up blank here. So let's try these breast-related stories on for size: TOUGH LOVE: “Dear Crowder, I Told My Girlfriend Her Boobs Were Small…” and HERO: Clay Travis on CNN Says 'I believe in the First Amendment and Boobs.' Yes, Really!