No place in the United States is safe anymore. It's become a lawless wasteland, rife with violent crime, drugs, and prostitution. One must always keep his head on a swivel. Or her head. And especially when fishing because fish are the worst, and they're out to get you.

At least, the fish were out to get 73-year-old Katherine Perkins of Maryland during a trip to Stuart, Florida. As passengers Louis Toth and Dominic Bellezza--75 and 77 years old, respectively--were reeling in what they reported was a sailfish weighing over 100 pounds, the fish wasn't going to go quietly into that good night, and it lept out of the water, skewering Ms. Perkins right in the, uh, lady-bits.

Police stated that Perkins told them "the incident occurred so fast she did not have time to react." But Toth and Bellezza reacted. They "immediately put pressure on the wound," reports the Washington Post, then "called for help as they returned to shore," where Perkins was airlifted to the hospital.

Now, sailfish, according to the WaPo, typically use their "spearlike upper bills" to attack prey. Mayhaps it had reason to believe there was something fishy on the boat? I'm just poking fun at this point.

WaPo doesn't give a status update on Perkins, but the story reads as if she's going to be fine. She should be counting her blessing that it was just this jousting fish and not a rabid narwhal or something. And if you don't know what a narwhal is, have you been living under a rock? Google it. You'll thank me later.

No Democrat has released a statement on new sailfish control measures, but it's still early. However, Democrats will undoubtedly be happy to know the culprit was immediately released.

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