Ok, so one of two things happening in this video. The first, a 12-year-old girl is being forced to marry an 80-year-old Muslim man. I'd advise you acquire some sort of receptacle for which to deposit your projectile vomit. The second possibility is this is an elaborate sketch filmed to trick blogs into writing about it. In the event this story falls behind door number two, or that something is somehow lost in translation, we'll call this "our bad." Dear God, we hope it's our bad...

I mean, there's no way this is legit, right? It would be Islamophobic (or something) to imply an 80-year-old Muslim man would take a 12-year-old sex slave (see Georgetown Professor: Slavery, Rape is Totally Cool Under Islam and ‘Moderate’ British Muslim Cleric to Teens: Sex Slaves are A-OK!) as his lofty wedded bride. Because according to all things left, Islam is both "modern" and the "religion of peace," not taking to barbaric practices at all. They're, like, super advanced and stuff. Muslims wouldn't dare partake in something so backward as a geriatric creeper bedding a tween. Therefore this must be a rehearsal of "Abdul and Abidah's Wedding" before it's Religious Freedom Tour across American college campuses. Otherwise...

But this is 2017, where satire has become reality. As much as I'd like to wish and hope what we just witnessed isn't real, we have to conclude it probably is. A few things to note, other than the status of your upchuck reflex:

• Look how the Islamic women, burkaed to the nines, are celebrating this occasion. Based on their jubilant reaction, not only is this practice NOT out of the norm, it's common place. It's an occasion which warrants their grinning celebration.
• Compare the reaction of the adults to that of the tween about to be all sexified by an 80-year-old. She's not pleased, she's terrified. Normally when girls get married, they're aflutter with joy. This girl? Not even close. Probably because most 12-year-old girls are crushing on Justin Beiber, not being introduced to the birds and the bees for realzies. From an 80-year-old husband.

But hey, what this guy is doing? Just following in the steps of Muhammad. Who's favorite bride, Aisha, was but a girl when they got hitched. Islam. It's here, it's real, it embraces pedophilia.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to hurl...

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